Today's Readings
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Hope is not passive!
Christ comes bringing ... hope!
Before Christmas - before the birth of our Messiah - we lived by the law. God had promised that a Messiah was coming - someday. The prophets had visions of the Messiah - and of the change that He would bring. And so people had hope. Not just a passive waiting, but an active hope for the future. They looked forward, they believed, they trusted that God's word was (and still is) true.
So rather than sit and passively wait for the Messiah, people lived in hope, with the certain expectation that God would act, as promised. For each, the act of hoping was different, but all toward the same end - to prepare themselves and each other to be in the presence of the Messiah.
This wasn't just another neighbor - and so the preparations are not just sweeping the floor or changing the linens in the guest room. There is real work to be done in order to be ready to stand in God's presence. God's act of grace in sending His Son saved us - but does not absolve us of our responsibilities. So, we wait and work and hope for the coming again - certain that He will come. That certainty turns our wishing and dreaming into hoping and longing - verbs with purpose and direction.
Let us find our hope in God's promises. Let us prepare for the greatest gift that is promised. Let us be confident that God's grace is all-sufficient to raise us to the Glorious Throne of Heaven.
Come, Thou long-expected Jesus,
Born to set Thy people free.
From our fears and sins release us;
Let us find our rest in Thee.
Israel's Strength and Consolation,
Born to set Thy people free.
From our fears and sins release us;
Let us find our rest in Thee.
Israel's Strength and Consolation,
Hope of all the earth Thou art--
Dear desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart.
Dear desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart.
Today's Readings
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Preparing for Christmas (the Liturgical way)
For many, Advent is simply the name we attach to the calendar counting down from December 1st to 25th with chocolates behind each little window. And if you’re like my husband, the chocolate doesn’t last past December 2nd! For Christians, this time has actual meaning and value – but do you know what Advent is? Have you ever wondered why it’s not just “All Christmas, all the time”?
Historically
speaking, the church season of Advent has been a way to remember the
waiting of our ancestors – waiting for the coming of the Messiah.
While Advent is an “invention” of the early Church, it follows
the same idea as a Service of Worship or the Church Liturgical
Calendar. Taking a year to re-live the cycle of Christ’s life
brings us closer to His life and work. Worshipping together each
week, in a format that echoes (sometimes faintly) the life of Christ,
reminds of why this is important. So Advent was designed to bring us
closer to the beginning of the story – before Christ came to earth
to bring healing and salvation.
So, what was it like
to live before Christ came to wash away our sinfulness? What did the
anticipation look like? How would it feel to live by the Law –and
to know that salvation was coming… eventually? We take some time
to stop and acknowledge that waiting – and the anticipation –
while looking forward to the Second Coming of the Messiah as well.
Christmas is
different. We celebrate the incarnation of Christ into the world –
the long-awaited coming of the Messiah! Christmas is filled with joy
and thanksgiving, while Advent is a more reflective time as we
remember a world without the Messiah, and we (try to) prepare our own
lives for Christ to come again someday.
Growing up, my
church always celebrated Advent. Maybe it was because we were
Presbyterian and very liturgical or maybe it’s an East Coast,
historical-church kind of thing… but it never occurred to me that
some churches didn’t celebrate – or even recognize – Advent.
It wasn’t until Seminary (of all places) that I discovered friends
who really had no experience with this wonderful Season of
Preparation.
We had various
traditions that helped us remember that this Season is different.
Our Nativity scenes (crèche) would not have Baby Jesus in the manger
until Christmas Eve services. We wouldn’t sing Christmas Carols,
only the hymns from the Advent section of our hymnal (this is harder
than you think). We would sing a verse of O come, O come,Emmanuel instead of the Gloria Patri, since “… and to
the Son…” didn’t make sense if we were trying to remember what
the world was like before the Messiah was born. We added
decorations to the sanctuary one week at a time. There are so many
things that you can do to emphasize the idea of waiting.
So let’s take the
next 4 weeks together to prepare. Prepare for the birth – and
Second Coming – of our Messiah! Prepare to spread the Good News of
Jesus birth – and life and death and resurrection – with a world
unaware of the events. Prepare to welcome our Messiah into our lives
and our world, that He might bring about real change.
O
Come, O Come, Emmanuel!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Ordination is a calling - not something you earn
So as I continue to think about the Presbyterian Church ordination issue, I think a little more background info is in order. I was sharing this with a friend and realized it was probably a good thing to put out there for everyone to read and understand as part of my thought process.
So.... Here's where we are.
1. Presbyterian Church (USA) is organized a lot like the US Government. So the "rules" at the top govern everyone, but there is still room for local government as well - as long as they fit within the guidelines of the overall agreed-upon structure.
2. This is a Church. We believe in the holiness of the Bible (Scripture). And over the centuries, humans have written Confessions which explain what it is that we believe, based on Scripture. These are considered to be the guiding documents of our faith. YOU don't have to agree with them, but those of us in the PCUSA have said that we do, and that we agree to be governed by them.
3. We used to have a clause in our "Book of Order" (our book of laws and governances) that was pretty clear about who could be ordained: "fidelity in marriage" (no adultery) or "chastity in singleness" (no couples living together before marriage - homosexual OR heterosexual).
The complication came when the recent vote changed the wording.
We removed the clear and explicit wording, so it seems as if we have cleared the way to ordain homosexuals (and heterosexuals who are living together without being married, technically, right?).
BUT!
We still have the same standard to meet for ordination. We still expect the same standards of holiness of our leaders. So, has anything really changed?
What then does it mean to be ordained, or chosen? What do we expect from those who are set apart as leaders and teachers? What does scripture expect of them?
And what does scripture really have to say about homosexuality? Not the bits and pieces that people have been pulling out of context for years, but the whole of scripture. What does Christ have to say?
------
Many people like to point back to the struggle for women to "earn" the right to be ordained. This isn't the right to vote. Who should and should not be ordained is not something that is arbitrarily decided, but is something that is prescribed by the will of God. To Christians, this isn't something that social pressure can decide; it is something that has to be understood as allowed from within Scripture - something permitted by God.
So when the issue of ordaining women was being discussed, it was not because women had earned the right to vote that changed the mind of the Church leaders, it was a new way of understanding and studying scripture that allowed a new understanding to emerge. By reading the whole of Scripture - taking it as a complete work and not just as little bits and pieces - a new story, a new meaning emerged. By understanding the audience to whom passages were written, a new light was shone on the intent. And so, sentences that had once seemed so cold and harsh to women in the church: "I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet." (1 Tim2: 12), " Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says. 35 If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church." (1 Cor 14: 34-35) when read in context as part of letters to specific churches addressing specific issues at a specific time, have an entirely different understanding. Particularly when you can turn the page and read a story of an amazing woman who lead a church or founded a church or performed a miracle. There were women leaders in the first century too, clearly. And well-respected ones.
And so, I have hope that a similar reading and understanding may come about for this issue.
But it takes time and careful study.
Social pressure cannot change Scripture, no matter how much we may want it to. And I cannot go against what Scripture tells me, no matter how much it hurts me and the friends that I love.
So, I will read and study and pray. I will hope to see what it is that God intends for His people. What it is that love is supposed to look like. And how it is that He would like for me to lead His people.
And I'll keep sharing with you, my friends, what I learn.
So.... Here's where we are.
1. Presbyterian Church (USA) is organized a lot like the US Government. So the "rules" at the top govern everyone, but there is still room for local government as well - as long as they fit within the guidelines of the overall agreed-upon structure.
2. This is a Church. We believe in the holiness of the Bible (Scripture). And over the centuries, humans have written Confessions which explain what it is that we believe, based on Scripture. These are considered to be the guiding documents of our faith. YOU don't have to agree with them, but those of us in the PCUSA have said that we do, and that we agree to be governed by them.
3. We used to have a clause in our "Book of Order" (our book of laws and governances) that was pretty clear about who could be ordained: "fidelity in marriage" (no adultery) or "chastity in singleness" (no couples living together before marriage - homosexual OR heterosexual).
The complication came when the recent vote changed the wording.
We removed the clear and explicit wording, so it seems as if we have cleared the way to ordain homosexuals (and heterosexuals who are living together without being married, technically, right?).
BUT!
We still have the same standard to meet for ordination. We still expect the same standards of holiness of our leaders. So, has anything really changed?
What then does it mean to be ordained, or chosen? What do we expect from those who are set apart as leaders and teachers? What does scripture expect of them?
And what does scripture really have to say about homosexuality? Not the bits and pieces that people have been pulling out of context for years, but the whole of scripture. What does Christ have to say?
------
Many people like to point back to the struggle for women to "earn" the right to be ordained. This isn't the right to vote. Who should and should not be ordained is not something that is arbitrarily decided, but is something that is prescribed by the will of God. To Christians, this isn't something that social pressure can decide; it is something that has to be understood as allowed from within Scripture - something permitted by God.
So when the issue of ordaining women was being discussed, it was not because women had earned the right to vote that changed the mind of the Church leaders, it was a new way of understanding and studying scripture that allowed a new understanding to emerge. By reading the whole of Scripture - taking it as a complete work and not just as little bits and pieces - a new story, a new meaning emerged. By understanding the audience to whom passages were written, a new light was shone on the intent. And so, sentences that had once seemed so cold and harsh to women in the church: "I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet." (1 Tim2: 12), " Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says. 35 If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church." (1 Cor 14: 34-35) when read in context as part of letters to specific churches addressing specific issues at a specific time, have an entirely different understanding. Particularly when you can turn the page and read a story of an amazing woman who lead a church or founded a church or performed a miracle. There were women leaders in the first century too, clearly. And well-respected ones.
And so, I have hope that a similar reading and understanding may come about for this issue.
But it takes time and careful study.
Social pressure cannot change Scripture, no matter how much we may want it to. And I cannot go against what Scripture tells me, no matter how much it hurts me and the friends that I love.
So, I will read and study and pray. I will hope to see what it is that God intends for His people. What it is that love is supposed to look like. And how it is that He would like for me to lead His people.
And I'll keep sharing with you, my friends, what I learn.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
So... what's going on in Jenn's church lately that has her all stressed out?
This was also posted as a note on FB. It's been a very long time since I've posted on this blog, but I think it's time I dusted it off and started writing again. This issue has me needing to "think out loud on paper".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a lot of friends. Some are Christian; a lot aren't. Some are Presbyterian; most aren't. Some are gay; some are lesbian; some are bi; some are straight; some don't know; some don't care; some gave up talking about it decades ago.
This isn't the place to argue any of those points. If you want to debate if Jesus is Lord, find another venue. If you want to argue that homosexuality is a choice, not a trait, go somewhere else. I do NOT want to argue that here.
Now that we've cleared that up. Let me give a little background information about my Church and my denomination - because it's important for this discussion.
The Presbyterian Church (USA) [PCUSA] is structured a lot like the US government: local churches are part of a Presbytery (several counties, usually). Several Presbyteries make a Synod and the Synods combine into the General Assembly. It's a representational government - each church has representation at the Presbytery, each Presbytery at the Synod, etc. We have local jurisdiction but believe in the power of the greater Church and agree to be united together under the General Assembly [GA]. It is at the Bi-Annual meeting of the GA that ammendments to our Church's constitution are voted on and sent out to the local churches to be voted on, if necessary. This last year (2010), Amendment 10A passed and was sent out to be approved by the churches. It had to get a majority vote.
This portion of our Constitution discusses the ordination of the leaders of the church (deacons, elders and pastors). There are standards set for these leaders and the previous wording (adopted in 1997) read:
Those who are called to office in the church are to lead a life in obedience to Scripture and in conformity to the historic confessional standards of the church. Among these standards is the requirement to live either in fidelity within the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman (W-4.9001), or chastity in singleness. Persons refusing to repent of any self-acknowledged practice which the confessions call sin shall not be ordained and/or installed as deacons, elders, or ministers of the Word and Sacrament.[G6.0106b]
Note the bold and underlined part. This is what is causing the issue. Marriage or chastity in singleness. So, this prevents anyone in a sexual relationship outside of marriage from serving in a leadership role - including, and especially, anyone who is living openly as an homosexual.
This is not meant as an act of descrimination. It is not meant to belittle or demean or upset. It is following scripture - or one reading of it. And so, for the last 14 years, it has been. There have been numerous studies and reports and attempts to change it. Lots of votes and committees and proposed amendments, but none have gotten as far as 10A. And none had passed.
10A wording was different and passed through GA in 2010. G6.0106b would now read:
Standards for ordained service reflect the church’s desire to submit joyfully to the Lordship of Jesus Christ in all aspects of life (G-1.0000). The governing body responsible for ordination and/or installation (G.14.0240; G-14.0450) shall examine each candidate’s calling, gifts, preparation, and suitability for the responsibilities of office. The examination shall include, but not be limited to, a determination of the candidate’s ability and commitment to fulfill all requirements as expressed in the constitutional questions for ordination and installation (W-4.4003). Governing bodies shall be guided by Scripture and the confessions in applying standards to individual candidates.
This new wording removes the obvious prohibition, and so for many seems to open the door to the ordination of openly homosexual members. And perhaps it does.
But, not necessarily.
What the amendment says is that things are as they always have been. Local churches and Presbyteries have the responsibility, as they always have, to examine candidates to determine their call, gifts, preparation and suitability for the responsibility for office. That actually is exactly the same as it always has been. The "measuring stick" is Scripture and confessions, as always.
While the removal of the explicit wording does open the door for a great deal more freedom, we still retain the responsibility to ensure that we are examining our hearts and minds; praying that we are being led by the Spirit in a direction that God is actually leading us, not that society is pushing us.
For myself, I have much more study to do on the actual issue of the ordination of homosexuals. I am no expert. I do not understand what Scripture has to say on the matter, not really. Nor do I wish to rush to judgment simply because the NYTimes proclaimed this a triumph for Gay Presbyterian ministers.
I have no desire to offend. I love my friends dearly and I hope they know that and understand the struggle I have is not about them personally. This is not a struggle about individuals or even people, really. This is a theological struggle that I'm having.
I have had this same struggle with the ordination of Women, actually. For years I was fully against it. Yes, me. The woman who is 1/2 way through the degree to be a preacher woman. The woman who fully embraces the calling that God has placed on her to use her mouth and tongue and lips and words (and today, her fingers) to preach. God showed me the truth. But in the right time and place. And only when I was ready. And so I believe He will again on this issue. Allow me the time to wrestle, my friends. Wrestle with me. Read things. Post things. Question. But do it nicely. Don't alienate me, please. Let's work through this together.
I trust that God is doing a mighty thing in His Church right now. And we just need to trust that we will eventually see what the point was... For now, I pray for peace, and maturity, and an open heart and mind as I wrestle through this.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The value of friendships
It is a day for mourning today. And mourning often leads me to pondering and contemplation.
Pardon me if this wanders all over the place - this is meant to be a post where I process through some of what I'm feeling today. Because, honestly, I'm feeling a lot. And there isn't really room in my heart for me to keep it all there - it needs to come out.
Ruth Vuong. Dean of Students at Fuller. Wife. Mother. Advocate. Mentor. Prayer Warrior. Child of God. Witness. Teacher. Friend.
There are so many words to describe her. And so many stories to tell about her. Right now, I am mourning the loss of her presence here on this Earth. I know her husband and daughter will miss her. This campus will surely miss her. Her advocacy of students and the marginalized. Her prayer and concern for students. Her teaching and guiding. Her sense of responsibility. Her laugh. Her smile. Her hugs. Her tamales.
God - we miss her. Hold her tight for us. Remind her how much we love her. And hold us closely, Lord, while we mourn. While we laugh and share stories and shed tears. Remind us of Your promises. Show us Your mercy and grace. Reveal to us Your promises for a future in Glory with You. And receive Ruth's worship of You as she joins in the choir of heaven.
As I listened to the stories told at her memorial, as I remembered our own conversations and interactions, I am humbled by the quiet and strong faith of this wonderful woman of God. Living peacefully and passionately, firm in her belief, allowing that faith to sculpt who she was as a woman and a leader. I am humbled. And pray that I can remember how I feel today as the immediacy fades. As the emotions of today fade into the day-to-day living of life, I hope that I will come back to this sense of renewed purpose and calling. Remind me, God, to live my life as YOU have designed. Not as I want it.
Show me how to love the people you bring into my life - all of them. Rich and poor. Tall and short. Thin and not-so-thin. Christian and not. Faithful and not. White, black, purple, green, yellow...
Give me Your eyes, God. That I can see the world as You do, as Ruth did. And show me how I can use the gifts You have given to help these, Your children.
Ruth's life was cut short - at least from our earthly perspective. I'm sure God was quite happy to welcome her home. But we here on earth feel cheated. Like somehow we were shortchanged. Statistics say we should have had her longer, damn it! 61 is way too young to die! She was doing so much GOOD here!!
I confess that, at first, I honestly kept looking for the follow-up email that said there'd been a horrible mistake, and that Ruth was fine. I couldn't bring myself to accept the fact that someone so special could possibly die. There was no way God would call home someone like Ruth yet. She clearly needed to stay here. Because, selfishly, we want her here.
As I slowly accepted the fact that Ruth had, indeed, passed on, I was reminded of an episode of Little House on the Prairie. (Stop laughing at me!) An older woman, friend of the Ingalls, is lonely because her family will not make the trip to visit her on her birthday. So she fakes her own death and, with the help of the Ingalls family, plans her own wake to happen on her birthday - with the whole town and all her family coming to attend. The moral of the story was that we need to remember to tell people how much we love them while they are still alive, and not just mourn for them after they've gone.
So many people who are "friends" of mine on Facebook, are people that I have, for one reason or another, lost touch with. I regret that deeply. I miss the friends and relationships that were so important to me during one season of life or another. I don't want to continue being "the girl who I used to know at one point in time". Friends, I value you. If you are on my Facebook list, I know you in some way. And I value you - even if I have pulled away from our friendship.
It is laziness and shame that have been the guiding force in the loss of the closeness. And I reject that now. I will make an effort to be a better friend. And to share the real parts of my life - not just the easy ones.
Love the people in your life. Celebrate the good times, and support each other through the bad times. Be vulnerable, ask for help if you need it. Tell the people you love how very much they mean to you.
Pardon me if this wanders all over the place - this is meant to be a post where I process through some of what I'm feeling today. Because, honestly, I'm feeling a lot. And there isn't really room in my heart for me to keep it all there - it needs to come out.
Ruth Vuong. Dean of Students at Fuller. Wife. Mother. Advocate. Mentor. Prayer Warrior. Child of God. Witness. Teacher. Friend.
There are so many words to describe her. And so many stories to tell about her. Right now, I am mourning the loss of her presence here on this Earth. I know her husband and daughter will miss her. This campus will surely miss her. Her advocacy of students and the marginalized. Her prayer and concern for students. Her teaching and guiding. Her sense of responsibility. Her laugh. Her smile. Her hugs. Her tamales.
God - we miss her. Hold her tight for us. Remind her how much we love her. And hold us closely, Lord, while we mourn. While we laugh and share stories and shed tears. Remind us of Your promises. Show us Your mercy and grace. Reveal to us Your promises for a future in Glory with You. And receive Ruth's worship of You as she joins in the choir of heaven.
As I listened to the stories told at her memorial, as I remembered our own conversations and interactions, I am humbled by the quiet and strong faith of this wonderful woman of God. Living peacefully and passionately, firm in her belief, allowing that faith to sculpt who she was as a woman and a leader. I am humbled. And pray that I can remember how I feel today as the immediacy fades. As the emotions of today fade into the day-to-day living of life, I hope that I will come back to this sense of renewed purpose and calling. Remind me, God, to live my life as YOU have designed. Not as I want it.
Show me how to love the people you bring into my life - all of them. Rich and poor. Tall and short. Thin and not-so-thin. Christian and not. Faithful and not. White, black, purple, green, yellow...
Give me Your eyes, God. That I can see the world as You do, as Ruth did. And show me how I can use the gifts You have given to help these, Your children.
Ruth's life was cut short - at least from our earthly perspective. I'm sure God was quite happy to welcome her home. But we here on earth feel cheated. Like somehow we were shortchanged. Statistics say we should have had her longer, damn it! 61 is way too young to die! She was doing so much GOOD here!!
I confess that, at first, I honestly kept looking for the follow-up email that said there'd been a horrible mistake, and that Ruth was fine. I couldn't bring myself to accept the fact that someone so special could possibly die. There was no way God would call home someone like Ruth yet. She clearly needed to stay here. Because, selfishly, we want her here.
As I slowly accepted the fact that Ruth had, indeed, passed on, I was reminded of an episode of Little House on the Prairie. (Stop laughing at me!) An older woman, friend of the Ingalls, is lonely because her family will not make the trip to visit her on her birthday. So she fakes her own death and, with the help of the Ingalls family, plans her own wake to happen on her birthday - with the whole town and all her family coming to attend. The moral of the story was that we need to remember to tell people how much we love them while they are still alive, and not just mourn for them after they've gone.
So many people who are "friends" of mine on Facebook, are people that I have, for one reason or another, lost touch with. I regret that deeply. I miss the friends and relationships that were so important to me during one season of life or another. I don't want to continue being "the girl who I used to know at one point in time". Friends, I value you. If you are on my Facebook list, I know you in some way. And I value you - even if I have pulled away from our friendship.
It is laziness and shame that have been the guiding force in the loss of the closeness. And I reject that now. I will make an effort to be a better friend. And to share the real parts of my life - not just the easy ones.
Love the people in your life. Celebrate the good times, and support each other through the bad times. Be vulnerable, ask for help if you need it. Tell the people you love how very much they mean to you.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Exciting Changes in My Life (reposted from Facebook)
It was this note that I wrote for Facebook earlier this week that caused me to think about writing again, specifically marking occasions in my life. Many who read it here, will be folks who read and commented on it there, but this feels like a better place to hold on to the message for a longer time.
Written Wednesday, January 6, 2010
~~~~~~~~~~~
My recent announcement may come as a surprise to many, so I thought I'd write a note to share a bit about what's been going on in my life lately. I hope that everyone can celebrate with me - I'm excited and sincerely happy for the first time in a long time. Be forewarned: this is a long and difficult (in places) letter to you, my friends. But trust me... and keep reading. There is so much joy in my life right now.
Moving to Pasadena - September 2004
I followed God's clear direction in my life to come to Pasadena CA and begin studies at Fuller Seminary. This was a HUGE move for me, because I'd lived in the LA area before (briefly) and knew that I didn't really like it. But this pull...this call.... it was bigger than any discomfort I might have been feeling about the location. This was a true call to do something very specific: so I moved.
I will be honest. I've never felt at home here. Never felt settled. Have always wanted to be somewhere else. I've spent more than 5 years living somewhere that never felt like home.
School and Vocation
Lest anyone worry that I am abandoning my call, let me reassure you: I am still called, I will still study. I love how God continues to work in my life - in ways I never expect. I believe He delights in keeping me on my toes. :)
Fuller has been a good place for me. The intentions of the Brehm Center are still in line with my sense of call and vocation. I will finish my MDiv someday. Anyone who knows the story of my Bachelor's degree will know that I am not a typical student. I take my time and follow God's leading in my life - even when it goes against traditional paths.
But...
Finances
Fuller (and Southern California) are too expensive. I'm in my mid-30s, single and at one point a couple years ago I was broke. Literally broke. Living paycheck-to-paycheck. Eating from the dollar store. Living in seedy hotels because I couldn't pay rent. (Yes, really. Long-kept secret that I feel like sharing now.) I stopped taking classes because I honestly had no money for them. I was incurring GOBS of debt by taking loans and realized that I wouldn't ever get out from under that debt. Single, mid-30s, studying to be a Presbyterian pastor and beginning to sense a possible call to interim (transitional) ministry. There was no way I'd be able to afford to live with the debt that was piling up.
So, after much prayer and many tears, I stopped taking classes and started working for the school. The plan was to work full-time and take classes part-time. That never really came to fruition. I found it very difficult to fit in classes with my schedule. And so I watched as classes -generations- of friends came and went from Fuller. Watching from the sidelines - so close to my calling and unable to act on it. Oppressed by debt and day-to-day finances.
Relationships
And I was alone. Single. Beginning to wonder if I'd ever marry or have children (both things that I had honestly thought would be part of my life). I've never felt "called to be single". I've always loved children and envisioned having some of my own. I've prayed -begged- repeatedly over the years that if I was misunderstanding God's design for me, He would PLEASE take away these longings. If anything, I craved marriage and children more.
Friendships were becoming harder for me to maintain. With my shame at my financial situation, my frustration with work and classes, my depression as I watched friends come and go, my lonliness with no partner.... I withdrew. I allowed friendships to wane and disappear. I became essentially a hermit.
And yet...
God sustained me. God protected me. God loved me - even in the mess I'd made of my life.
Ever since college, I've made and kept friendships with people I've met online. I LOVE the internet and the possibilities of relationship here. The friends reading this note are all over the world - literally. Australia, New Zealand, Canada, England, Amsterdam, all over the US.... and more. My friends are all over the map regarding faith and lifestyle as well - and that's part of why I love them. What a beautiful world God created. What amazing creatures we all are - so unique, so different....and yet... so much the same.
It is this online community that introduced me to the man I love. Scott and I met on the Customer Service Forum for World of Warcraft. Yes, friends, I play WoW. And I love it. And I met Scott through the game. :P
He has been a huge blessing in my life. Starting as a friend and fellow gamer.... and then.... our friendship grew. Our friends in the game encouraged. We both prayed...a lot.
My life changes - for the better
I was working in a job I enjoyed, with people I like and respect and am honored to call friends.
I had friends again, people who cared about my life as I cared about theirs.
I was emerging from my hermit-ness.
I was in a good apartment and able to start paying off debt and even save some money.
And I was in love. With a man who surprised me. Who had children from a past relationship (oh boy did I hear God laughing in glee at this point).
But...
He's in Phoenix. And so are his girls.
And so..... now you know why I'm accepting a job with American Express in Phoenix. I'm confident that God has opened these doors on purpose, just as He has been making clear that doors here in Pasadena are closing for me.
With the financial troubles in our nation, and specifically here at Fuller, my position has been in limbo for many months. Changes are coming and my position, my particular set of skills and gifts don't fit as well. I would have a job, but not one that was as right for me as my current job. I'm not taking classes, and given that I have 1.5 years of classes done here in Pasadena, I can study anywhere - including Fuller Southwest in Phoenix. I'm in love with a man who lives there... and neither of us are ready to take the next step in our relationship until we can live near each other and spend real, "normal" time together.
So I started looking for a job in Phoenix. I wasn't going to just take any job; I was looking to make a good decision, not a hasty one.
Scott works for AmEx and sent me the listings. There was one job that stood out. It required my skill set. It would be challenging, but it is the kind of job that stays at work, freeing me up to do the things I miss: sing semi-professionally, study, be social. The location is right: Scott and I can carpool. The price was right, based on online calculators I'd found converting LA costs to Phoenix costs.
I applied on Friday, December 11th. By lunchtime that same day they had me doing an online assessment. On Monday, I played phone tag with someone from the recruiting office. On Tuesday, a pre-interview with the recruiting screener/scheduler. On Wednesday, an interview with the recruiter. On Thursday, an interview with the hiring manager.
Yes. In less than a week, I'd been completely vetted for this job, and had a very good feeling.
On December 22, just 11 days after applying for the job, the hiring manager called me back and asked if she could hold on to my resume to consider for the February 15th training class. She told me to expect a call the first week of January. I was left with the feeling that I would be offered the job, but no guarantees were made.
She called me this morning. And offered me a job that I'm excited about. In a city I can't wait to be in. At a company I know will be around for awhile. For an hourly wage that is HIGHER than what I needed to be able to make the transition.
It will be a bittersweet time as I prepare to leave Pasadena. So many people to say farewell to. So many things to do.
But I am SO excited. And happier than I've been in years.
God is GOOD. All the time.
Written Wednesday, January 6, 2010
~~~~~~~~~~~
My recent announcement may come as a surprise to many, so I thought I'd write a note to share a bit about what's been going on in my life lately. I hope that everyone can celebrate with me - I'm excited and sincerely happy for the first time in a long time. Be forewarned: this is a long and difficult (in places) letter to you, my friends. But trust me... and keep reading. There is so much joy in my life right now.
Moving to Pasadena - September 2004
I followed God's clear direction in my life to come to Pasadena CA and begin studies at Fuller Seminary. This was a HUGE move for me, because I'd lived in the LA area before (briefly) and knew that I didn't really like it. But this pull...this call.... it was bigger than any discomfort I might have been feeling about the location. This was a true call to do something very specific: so I moved.
I will be honest. I've never felt at home here. Never felt settled. Have always wanted to be somewhere else. I've spent more than 5 years living somewhere that never felt like home.
School and Vocation
Lest anyone worry that I am abandoning my call, let me reassure you: I am still called, I will still study. I love how God continues to work in my life - in ways I never expect. I believe He delights in keeping me on my toes. :)
Fuller has been a good place for me. The intentions of the Brehm Center are still in line with my sense of call and vocation. I will finish my MDiv someday. Anyone who knows the story of my Bachelor's degree will know that I am not a typical student. I take my time and follow God's leading in my life - even when it goes against traditional paths.
But...
Finances
Fuller (and Southern California) are too expensive. I'm in my mid-30s, single and at one point a couple years ago I was broke. Literally broke. Living paycheck-to-paycheck. Eating from the dollar store. Living in seedy hotels because I couldn't pay rent. (Yes, really. Long-kept secret that I feel like sharing now.) I stopped taking classes because I honestly had no money for them. I was incurring GOBS of debt by taking loans and realized that I wouldn't ever get out from under that debt. Single, mid-30s, studying to be a Presbyterian pastor and beginning to sense a possible call to interim (transitional) ministry. There was no way I'd be able to afford to live with the debt that was piling up.
So, after much prayer and many tears, I stopped taking classes and started working for the school. The plan was to work full-time and take classes part-time. That never really came to fruition. I found it very difficult to fit in classes with my schedule. And so I watched as classes -generations- of friends came and went from Fuller. Watching from the sidelines - so close to my calling and unable to act on it. Oppressed by debt and day-to-day finances.
Relationships
And I was alone. Single. Beginning to wonder if I'd ever marry or have children (both things that I had honestly thought would be part of my life). I've never felt "called to be single". I've always loved children and envisioned having some of my own. I've prayed -begged- repeatedly over the years that if I was misunderstanding God's design for me, He would PLEASE take away these longings. If anything, I craved marriage and children more.
Friendships were becoming harder for me to maintain. With my shame at my financial situation, my frustration with work and classes, my depression as I watched friends come and go, my lonliness with no partner.... I withdrew. I allowed friendships to wane and disappear. I became essentially a hermit.
And yet...
God sustained me. God protected me. God loved me - even in the mess I'd made of my life.
Ever since college, I've made and kept friendships with people I've met online. I LOVE the internet and the possibilities of relationship here. The friends reading this note are all over the world - literally. Australia, New Zealand, Canada, England, Amsterdam, all over the US.... and more. My friends are all over the map regarding faith and lifestyle as well - and that's part of why I love them. What a beautiful world God created. What amazing creatures we all are - so unique, so different....and yet... so much the same.
It is this online community that introduced me to the man I love. Scott and I met on the Customer Service Forum for World of Warcraft. Yes, friends, I play WoW. And I love it. And I met Scott through the game. :P
He has been a huge blessing in my life. Starting as a friend and fellow gamer.... and then.... our friendship grew. Our friends in the game encouraged. We both prayed...a lot.
My life changes - for the better
I was working in a job I enjoyed, with people I like and respect and am honored to call friends.
I had friends again, people who cared about my life as I cared about theirs.
I was emerging from my hermit-ness.
I was in a good apartment and able to start paying off debt and even save some money.
And I was in love. With a man who surprised me. Who had children from a past relationship (oh boy did I hear God laughing in glee at this point).
But...
He's in Phoenix. And so are his girls.
And so..... now you know why I'm accepting a job with American Express in Phoenix. I'm confident that God has opened these doors on purpose, just as He has been making clear that doors here in Pasadena are closing for me.
With the financial troubles in our nation, and specifically here at Fuller, my position has been in limbo for many months. Changes are coming and my position, my particular set of skills and gifts don't fit as well. I would have a job, but not one that was as right for me as my current job. I'm not taking classes, and given that I have 1.5 years of classes done here in Pasadena, I can study anywhere - including Fuller Southwest in Phoenix. I'm in love with a man who lives there... and neither of us are ready to take the next step in our relationship until we can live near each other and spend real, "normal" time together.
So I started looking for a job in Phoenix. I wasn't going to just take any job; I was looking to make a good decision, not a hasty one.
Scott works for AmEx and sent me the listings. There was one job that stood out. It required my skill set. It would be challenging, but it is the kind of job that stays at work, freeing me up to do the things I miss: sing semi-professionally, study, be social. The location is right: Scott and I can carpool. The price was right, based on online calculators I'd found converting LA costs to Phoenix costs.
I applied on Friday, December 11th. By lunchtime that same day they had me doing an online assessment. On Monday, I played phone tag with someone from the recruiting office. On Tuesday, a pre-interview with the recruiting screener/scheduler. On Wednesday, an interview with the recruiter. On Thursday, an interview with the hiring manager.
Yes. In less than a week, I'd been completely vetted for this job, and had a very good feeling.
On December 22, just 11 days after applying for the job, the hiring manager called me back and asked if she could hold on to my resume to consider for the February 15th training class. She told me to expect a call the first week of January. I was left with the feeling that I would be offered the job, but no guarantees were made.
She called me this morning. And offered me a job that I'm excited about. In a city I can't wait to be in. At a company I know will be around for awhile. For an hourly wage that is HIGHER than what I needed to be able to make the transition.
It will be a bittersweet time as I prepare to leave Pasadena. So many people to say farewell to. So many things to do.
But I am SO excited. And happier than I've been in years.
God is GOOD. All the time.
Unexpected Seasons
I believe in God. I believe God directs my life.
And I believe He wholeheartedly enjoys taking my life in new and unexpected directions.
Recently, I have noted that my life seems to be very seasonal, and that each season has brought major changes to my life. And so, rather than continue with my trend of a new blog for each season, I thought I'd start one that could survive the changing seasons just as I do.
Welcome to my new rambling spot. I hope and pray it is interesting and informative for someone somewhere. :P
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