It is a day for mourning today. And mourning often leads me to pondering and contemplation.
Pardon me if this wanders all over the place - this is meant to be a post where I process through some of what I'm feeling today. Because, honestly, I'm feeling a lot. And there isn't really room in my heart for me to keep it all there - it needs to come out.
Ruth Vuong. Dean of Students at Fuller. Wife. Mother. Advocate. Mentor. Prayer Warrior. Child of God. Witness. Teacher. Friend.
There are so many words to describe her. And so many stories to tell about her. Right now, I am mourning the loss of her presence here on this Earth. I know her husband and daughter will miss her. This campus will surely miss her. Her advocacy of students and the marginalized. Her prayer and concern for students. Her teaching and guiding. Her sense of responsibility. Her laugh. Her smile. Her hugs. Her tamales.
God - we miss her. Hold her tight for us. Remind her how much we love her. And hold us closely, Lord, while we mourn. While we laugh and share stories and shed tears. Remind us of Your promises. Show us Your mercy and grace. Reveal to us Your promises for a future in Glory with You. And receive Ruth's worship of You as she joins in the choir of heaven.
As I listened to the stories told at her memorial, as I remembered our own conversations and interactions, I am humbled by the quiet and strong faith of this wonderful woman of God. Living peacefully and passionately, firm in her belief, allowing that faith to sculpt who she was as a woman and a leader. I am humbled. And pray that I can remember how I feel today as the immediacy fades. As the emotions of today fade into the day-to-day living of life, I hope that I will come back to this sense of renewed purpose and calling. Remind me, God, to live my life as YOU have designed. Not as I want it.
Show me how to love the people you bring into my life - all of them. Rich and poor. Tall and short. Thin and not-so-thin. Christian and not. Faithful and not. White, black, purple, green, yellow...
Give me Your eyes, God. That I can see the world as You do, as Ruth did. And show me how I can use the gifts You have given to help these, Your children.
Ruth's life was cut short - at least from our earthly perspective. I'm sure God was quite happy to welcome her home. But we here on earth feel cheated. Like somehow we were shortchanged. Statistics say we should have had her longer, damn it! 61 is way too young to die! She was doing so much GOOD here!!
I confess that, at first, I honestly kept looking for the follow-up email that said there'd been a horrible mistake, and that Ruth was fine. I couldn't bring myself to accept the fact that someone so special could possibly die. There was no way God would call home someone like Ruth yet. She clearly needed to stay here. Because, selfishly, we want her here.
As I slowly accepted the fact that Ruth had, indeed, passed on, I was reminded of an episode of Little House on the Prairie. (Stop laughing at me!) An older woman, friend of the Ingalls, is lonely because her family will not make the trip to visit her on her birthday. So she fakes her own death and, with the help of the Ingalls family, plans her own wake to happen on her birthday - with the whole town and all her family coming to attend. The moral of the story was that we need to remember to tell people how much we love them while they are still alive, and not just mourn for them after they've gone.
So many people who are "friends" of mine on Facebook, are people that I have, for one reason or another, lost touch with. I regret that deeply. I miss the friends and relationships that were so important to me during one season of life or another. I don't want to continue being "the girl who I used to know at one point in time". Friends, I value you. If you are on my Facebook list, I know you in some way. And I value you - even if I have pulled away from our friendship.
It is laziness and shame that have been the guiding force in the loss of the closeness. And I reject that now. I will make an effort to be a better friend. And to share the real parts of my life - not just the easy ones.
Love the people in your life. Celebrate the good times, and support each other through the bad times. Be vulnerable, ask for help if you need it. Tell the people you love how very much they mean to you.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Exciting Changes in My Life (reposted from Facebook)
It was this note that I wrote for Facebook earlier this week that caused me to think about writing again, specifically marking occasions in my life. Many who read it here, will be folks who read and commented on it there, but this feels like a better place to hold on to the message for a longer time.
Written Wednesday, January 6, 2010
~~~~~~~~~~~
My recent announcement may come as a surprise to many, so I thought I'd write a note to share a bit about what's been going on in my life lately. I hope that everyone can celebrate with me - I'm excited and sincerely happy for the first time in a long time. Be forewarned: this is a long and difficult (in places) letter to you, my friends. But trust me... and keep reading. There is so much joy in my life right now.
Moving to Pasadena - September 2004
I followed God's clear direction in my life to come to Pasadena CA and begin studies at Fuller Seminary. This was a HUGE move for me, because I'd lived in the LA area before (briefly) and knew that I didn't really like it. But this pull...this call.... it was bigger than any discomfort I might have been feeling about the location. This was a true call to do something very specific: so I moved.
I will be honest. I've never felt at home here. Never felt settled. Have always wanted to be somewhere else. I've spent more than 5 years living somewhere that never felt like home.
School and Vocation
Lest anyone worry that I am abandoning my call, let me reassure you: I am still called, I will still study. I love how God continues to work in my life - in ways I never expect. I believe He delights in keeping me on my toes. :)
Fuller has been a good place for me. The intentions of the Brehm Center are still in line with my sense of call and vocation. I will finish my MDiv someday. Anyone who knows the story of my Bachelor's degree will know that I am not a typical student. I take my time and follow God's leading in my life - even when it goes against traditional paths.
But...
Finances
Fuller (and Southern California) are too expensive. I'm in my mid-30s, single and at one point a couple years ago I was broke. Literally broke. Living paycheck-to-paycheck. Eating from the dollar store. Living in seedy hotels because I couldn't pay rent. (Yes, really. Long-kept secret that I feel like sharing now.) I stopped taking classes because I honestly had no money for them. I was incurring GOBS of debt by taking loans and realized that I wouldn't ever get out from under that debt. Single, mid-30s, studying to be a Presbyterian pastor and beginning to sense a possible call to interim (transitional) ministry. There was no way I'd be able to afford to live with the debt that was piling up.
So, after much prayer and many tears, I stopped taking classes and started working for the school. The plan was to work full-time and take classes part-time. That never really came to fruition. I found it very difficult to fit in classes with my schedule. And so I watched as classes -generations- of friends came and went from Fuller. Watching from the sidelines - so close to my calling and unable to act on it. Oppressed by debt and day-to-day finances.
Relationships
And I was alone. Single. Beginning to wonder if I'd ever marry or have children (both things that I had honestly thought would be part of my life). I've never felt "called to be single". I've always loved children and envisioned having some of my own. I've prayed -begged- repeatedly over the years that if I was misunderstanding God's design for me, He would PLEASE take away these longings. If anything, I craved marriage and children more.
Friendships were becoming harder for me to maintain. With my shame at my financial situation, my frustration with work and classes, my depression as I watched friends come and go, my lonliness with no partner.... I withdrew. I allowed friendships to wane and disappear. I became essentially a hermit.
And yet...
God sustained me. God protected me. God loved me - even in the mess I'd made of my life.
Ever since college, I've made and kept friendships with people I've met online. I LOVE the internet and the possibilities of relationship here. The friends reading this note are all over the world - literally. Australia, New Zealand, Canada, England, Amsterdam, all over the US.... and more. My friends are all over the map regarding faith and lifestyle as well - and that's part of why I love them. What a beautiful world God created. What amazing creatures we all are - so unique, so different....and yet... so much the same.
It is this online community that introduced me to the man I love. Scott and I met on the Customer Service Forum for World of Warcraft. Yes, friends, I play WoW. And I love it. And I met Scott through the game. :P
He has been a huge blessing in my life. Starting as a friend and fellow gamer.... and then.... our friendship grew. Our friends in the game encouraged. We both prayed...a lot.
My life changes - for the better
I was working in a job I enjoyed, with people I like and respect and am honored to call friends.
I had friends again, people who cared about my life as I cared about theirs.
I was emerging from my hermit-ness.
I was in a good apartment and able to start paying off debt and even save some money.
And I was in love. With a man who surprised me. Who had children from a past relationship (oh boy did I hear God laughing in glee at this point).
But...
He's in Phoenix. And so are his girls.
And so..... now you know why I'm accepting a job with American Express in Phoenix. I'm confident that God has opened these doors on purpose, just as He has been making clear that doors here in Pasadena are closing for me.
With the financial troubles in our nation, and specifically here at Fuller, my position has been in limbo for many months. Changes are coming and my position, my particular set of skills and gifts don't fit as well. I would have a job, but not one that was as right for me as my current job. I'm not taking classes, and given that I have 1.5 years of classes done here in Pasadena, I can study anywhere - including Fuller Southwest in Phoenix. I'm in love with a man who lives there... and neither of us are ready to take the next step in our relationship until we can live near each other and spend real, "normal" time together.
So I started looking for a job in Phoenix. I wasn't going to just take any job; I was looking to make a good decision, not a hasty one.
Scott works for AmEx and sent me the listings. There was one job that stood out. It required my skill set. It would be challenging, but it is the kind of job that stays at work, freeing me up to do the things I miss: sing semi-professionally, study, be social. The location is right: Scott and I can carpool. The price was right, based on online calculators I'd found converting LA costs to Phoenix costs.
I applied on Friday, December 11th. By lunchtime that same day they had me doing an online assessment. On Monday, I played phone tag with someone from the recruiting office. On Tuesday, a pre-interview with the recruiting screener/scheduler. On Wednesday, an interview with the recruiter. On Thursday, an interview with the hiring manager.
Yes. In less than a week, I'd been completely vetted for this job, and had a very good feeling.
On December 22, just 11 days after applying for the job, the hiring manager called me back and asked if she could hold on to my resume to consider for the February 15th training class. She told me to expect a call the first week of January. I was left with the feeling that I would be offered the job, but no guarantees were made.
She called me this morning. And offered me a job that I'm excited about. In a city I can't wait to be in. At a company I know will be around for awhile. For an hourly wage that is HIGHER than what I needed to be able to make the transition.
It will be a bittersweet time as I prepare to leave Pasadena. So many people to say farewell to. So many things to do.
But I am SO excited. And happier than I've been in years.
God is GOOD. All the time.
Written Wednesday, January 6, 2010
~~~~~~~~~~~
My recent announcement may come as a surprise to many, so I thought I'd write a note to share a bit about what's been going on in my life lately. I hope that everyone can celebrate with me - I'm excited and sincerely happy for the first time in a long time. Be forewarned: this is a long and difficult (in places) letter to you, my friends. But trust me... and keep reading. There is so much joy in my life right now.
Moving to Pasadena - September 2004
I followed God's clear direction in my life to come to Pasadena CA and begin studies at Fuller Seminary. This was a HUGE move for me, because I'd lived in the LA area before (briefly) and knew that I didn't really like it. But this pull...this call.... it was bigger than any discomfort I might have been feeling about the location. This was a true call to do something very specific: so I moved.
I will be honest. I've never felt at home here. Never felt settled. Have always wanted to be somewhere else. I've spent more than 5 years living somewhere that never felt like home.
School and Vocation
Lest anyone worry that I am abandoning my call, let me reassure you: I am still called, I will still study. I love how God continues to work in my life - in ways I never expect. I believe He delights in keeping me on my toes. :)
Fuller has been a good place for me. The intentions of the Brehm Center are still in line with my sense of call and vocation. I will finish my MDiv someday. Anyone who knows the story of my Bachelor's degree will know that I am not a typical student. I take my time and follow God's leading in my life - even when it goes against traditional paths.
But...
Finances
Fuller (and Southern California) are too expensive. I'm in my mid-30s, single and at one point a couple years ago I was broke. Literally broke. Living paycheck-to-paycheck. Eating from the dollar store. Living in seedy hotels because I couldn't pay rent. (Yes, really. Long-kept secret that I feel like sharing now.) I stopped taking classes because I honestly had no money for them. I was incurring GOBS of debt by taking loans and realized that I wouldn't ever get out from under that debt. Single, mid-30s, studying to be a Presbyterian pastor and beginning to sense a possible call to interim (transitional) ministry. There was no way I'd be able to afford to live with the debt that was piling up.
So, after much prayer and many tears, I stopped taking classes and started working for the school. The plan was to work full-time and take classes part-time. That never really came to fruition. I found it very difficult to fit in classes with my schedule. And so I watched as classes -generations- of friends came and went from Fuller. Watching from the sidelines - so close to my calling and unable to act on it. Oppressed by debt and day-to-day finances.
Relationships
And I was alone. Single. Beginning to wonder if I'd ever marry or have children (both things that I had honestly thought would be part of my life). I've never felt "called to be single". I've always loved children and envisioned having some of my own. I've prayed -begged- repeatedly over the years that if I was misunderstanding God's design for me, He would PLEASE take away these longings. If anything, I craved marriage and children more.
Friendships were becoming harder for me to maintain. With my shame at my financial situation, my frustration with work and classes, my depression as I watched friends come and go, my lonliness with no partner.... I withdrew. I allowed friendships to wane and disappear. I became essentially a hermit.
And yet...
God sustained me. God protected me. God loved me - even in the mess I'd made of my life.
Ever since college, I've made and kept friendships with people I've met online. I LOVE the internet and the possibilities of relationship here. The friends reading this note are all over the world - literally. Australia, New Zealand, Canada, England, Amsterdam, all over the US.... and more. My friends are all over the map regarding faith and lifestyle as well - and that's part of why I love them. What a beautiful world God created. What amazing creatures we all are - so unique, so different....and yet... so much the same.
It is this online community that introduced me to the man I love. Scott and I met on the Customer Service Forum for World of Warcraft. Yes, friends, I play WoW. And I love it. And I met Scott through the game. :P
He has been a huge blessing in my life. Starting as a friend and fellow gamer.... and then.... our friendship grew. Our friends in the game encouraged. We both prayed...a lot.
My life changes - for the better
I was working in a job I enjoyed, with people I like and respect and am honored to call friends.
I had friends again, people who cared about my life as I cared about theirs.
I was emerging from my hermit-ness.
I was in a good apartment and able to start paying off debt and even save some money.
And I was in love. With a man who surprised me. Who had children from a past relationship (oh boy did I hear God laughing in glee at this point).
But...
He's in Phoenix. And so are his girls.
And so..... now you know why I'm accepting a job with American Express in Phoenix. I'm confident that God has opened these doors on purpose, just as He has been making clear that doors here in Pasadena are closing for me.
With the financial troubles in our nation, and specifically here at Fuller, my position has been in limbo for many months. Changes are coming and my position, my particular set of skills and gifts don't fit as well. I would have a job, but not one that was as right for me as my current job. I'm not taking classes, and given that I have 1.5 years of classes done here in Pasadena, I can study anywhere - including Fuller Southwest in Phoenix. I'm in love with a man who lives there... and neither of us are ready to take the next step in our relationship until we can live near each other and spend real, "normal" time together.
So I started looking for a job in Phoenix. I wasn't going to just take any job; I was looking to make a good decision, not a hasty one.
Scott works for AmEx and sent me the listings. There was one job that stood out. It required my skill set. It would be challenging, but it is the kind of job that stays at work, freeing me up to do the things I miss: sing semi-professionally, study, be social. The location is right: Scott and I can carpool. The price was right, based on online calculators I'd found converting LA costs to Phoenix costs.
I applied on Friday, December 11th. By lunchtime that same day they had me doing an online assessment. On Monday, I played phone tag with someone from the recruiting office. On Tuesday, a pre-interview with the recruiting screener/scheduler. On Wednesday, an interview with the recruiter. On Thursday, an interview with the hiring manager.
Yes. In less than a week, I'd been completely vetted for this job, and had a very good feeling.
On December 22, just 11 days after applying for the job, the hiring manager called me back and asked if she could hold on to my resume to consider for the February 15th training class. She told me to expect a call the first week of January. I was left with the feeling that I would be offered the job, but no guarantees were made.
She called me this morning. And offered me a job that I'm excited about. In a city I can't wait to be in. At a company I know will be around for awhile. For an hourly wage that is HIGHER than what I needed to be able to make the transition.
It will be a bittersweet time as I prepare to leave Pasadena. So many people to say farewell to. So many things to do.
But I am SO excited. And happier than I've been in years.
God is GOOD. All the time.
Unexpected Seasons
I believe in God. I believe God directs my life.
And I believe He wholeheartedly enjoys taking my life in new and unexpected directions.
Recently, I have noted that my life seems to be very seasonal, and that each season has brought major changes to my life. And so, rather than continue with my trend of a new blog for each season, I thought I'd start one that could survive the changing seasons just as I do.
Welcome to my new rambling spot. I hope and pray it is interesting and informative for someone somewhere. :P
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